Whatever your parenthood journey, wherever you are on the journey.

We are experts in working with individuals, couples and their bumps and babies in the transition to parenthood, and with parents of children up to 5 years of age.

Learn more

The practice is currently closed and will reopen on Monday 6th January.

If you are looking for support with fertility issues please look on the BICA website for details of trained therapists who can help. If you need help with issues around trauma in pregnancy and after birth, please look for support on the Birth Trauma Association or Make Birth Better websites. If you are in North London and need support with parenting issues please look at the Independent Psychology service, Jigsaw therapy or the Psychology Collective practices. In South London, Circle Psychology Partners or the Dr Siobhan MacCarthy practice may be able to help.

CONTEMPLATING PARENTHOOD

PREGNANCY
& BIRTH

BECOMING
PARENTS

PARENTING UNDER PRESSURE

We work collaboratively and inclusively with parents and parents-to-be to offer a range of tailor made therapeutic interventions for individuals, couples, and families and their children.

We are experts in offering psychological support to individuvals and couples with fertility issues, from starting treatment through to pregnancy and parenting after assisted reproduction.

We are a specialist team of psychologists and psychotherapists with decades of professional experience between us in perinatal settings, CAMHs, primary and secondary care and Early Years settings.

We offer appointments at discreet, family friendly venues across London and can offer therapy either face-to-face or by phone or Skype. We work with a range of other experts such as perinatal psychiatrists, GPs, midwives, Child and Adolescent psychiatrists and other health professionals to provide a virtual support team for prospective and new parents.

OUR SERVICES

Follow us on @parenthoodinmind

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 14

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I see so many parents and parents to-be in therapy who tell me they're competent, they're capable, that they're the ones who others turn to for help.
That they're used to doing things on their own
For themselves
That they're independent
But once they start down the path to parenthood they start
To feel needy and anxious
Trying for a baby, being pregnant, suffering loss, breastfeeding, giving birth, being a parent
Seems to trigger deeply buried memories
Of not being well held
Of being expected to look after themselves
And they are often confused and mortified by how helpless and vulnerable they feel
How overwhelmed they feel
Ashamed by their own neediness.
But in becoming a parent we often need others to hold our vulnerability too
To understand that no matter how competent or capable we look we need others to support us
To be kind to us in the fertility clinic
To know we need a few extra minutes in the antenatal class
To know that whilst we outwardly bristle we need to be asked if we're OK in the labour room
To allow us to talk about how we're struggling at home alone with our babies
To finally take care of us
In ways we're not used to
In ways that are alien to us
So we can very slowly start to take care of ourselves
And not break
Whilst we fall apart
Anew.

Does this post speak to you? Did you struggle with being vulnerable across the transition to parenthood? Did you learn to be taken care of or have you had to hold onto looking after others as a defence? How did you find parenthood? What helps you feel well held?

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

Image @yourbeautifullife

#transitiontoparenthood #parenting #goodenoughparenting #parentingaftertrauma #goodenoughmother #postnatalexhaustion #infertility #miscarriage #ttc #pregnancyloss #stillbirth #whocaresforthecarer #ghostsinthenursery #defensivecaregiving #holding #containment #whomothersthemother #parentifiedchild #therageofunmetneeds

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 12

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And this is the dilemma that many who become parents after fertility treatment and loss face
Having to consider putting their bodies
And minds
And relationships
Back through the gruelling rollercoaster that is
Fertility treatment
The scientific miracle that they have to thank for the babies
They already hold in their arms
But how dangerous it is to dream again when you know how difficult it might be to conceive
When you know the unravelling pain of loss

And amongst the worries that may
Make them waiver
Are

How can I justify taking time away from the babies I already have?
What if I have another miscarriage?
What if my pregnancy or birth is traumatic again?
What if another cycle doesn't work?
Maybe I should realise how lucky I am and enjoy what I have?
How do I convince my partner? If partnered
How will my work life be impacted by fertility treatment?
How can I/we afford to do this again?
Can we live with ourselves if we stop at "one and done"?
How will I feel if I can't give my child a sibling?
How can I manage my anxieties about the scans and injections?
Will my fertility trauma/depression/pregnancy anxiety get retriggered?
Will we know when to stop dreaming and hoping?

Have you been here? Have you contemplated having more fertility treatment to expand your family but couldn't? Are you at this crossroads now? What are the worries you have? How did you come to your decision? What do you wish others understood about these issues?

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

Image @courageouslyexpecting

#parentingaftertrauma #secondaryinfertility #miscarriage #reproductiveloss #reproductivejourney #reproductivetrauma #fertilitytreatment #disenfranchisedgrief #samesexparents #disenfranchisedloss #fertilityrollercoaster #icsi #fertilitymattersatwork #ivf #infertility #ttcagain #smbc #parentingafterivf #stillinfertile

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 10

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The Next Step

I know you thought things would be more normal by now
I know you thought you'd just get through Christmas
And you'd start to feel better
I know you pin your feeling better on your little one
Settling better
Feeding better
Sleeping better
The 2 of you entwined in ways you can't quite understand
Or explain
But things haven't gone that way
And as you pack the last Christmas decorations away
As you say goodbye to all the company
You've had
The niggle you've been trying to avoid
Gets louder.
But where to look
Who to ask
What to ask for
The whole thing
Makes your head hurt even more.
And yet
The niggle says
(If you dare to listen)
You need help
This can't go on
You're not failing
You're human
You know this too
Deep down.
And knowing this
You pause and breathe
Your baby quietens and looks at you
The whisper of a smile
Will be enough to help you take
The next step.

Julianne Boutaleb, January 2022
(Re-sharing this poem from this time last year.)

We expect so much from parents who are struggling. That they should know the difference between being tired and strung out and postnatal depression. We tell them it's ok not to be OK, but do we tell them enough about what sort of help they might need? And how to access it? And what to do if they can't access it easily?

If you are finally listening to the niggling feelings that you are not OK, I've tagged some fantastic people and resources that can help. Today might be just about speaking to someone who can listen. Who can validate what's going on for you. Most will re-direct you to services if they're not the right place or person. It may take a bit of time to get the right help. But every step is valid and will take you where you need to go. So focus on the next step. Send the email. Make the phone call. Download the leaflet. Talk to someone you trust about how you feel.

And we at Parenthood In Mind are here to help too.

Image @spiritysol

#postpartum #nevergoodenough #perinatalmentalhealth #birthtrauma #parentingaftertrauma #parentingafterloss #parentingafterivf #pandemicmotherload #pnd #ptsd #perinataltrauma #fertilitytrauma #prematurebabies #firsttimeparents #maternalmentalhealth

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 9

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I'm always interested when I meet parents about what emotions they feel uncomfortable with.

For some it's anger. They have determined never to have arguments in front of their children or to get angry with their children.

For others it's about never crying or being sad in front of their children. For others it's about jealousy or rivalry or meanness.

We all have emotions that we try to avoid as parents and struggle to tolerate in our children.

But often such unconscious prohibitions are linked to our own experiences of being parented.

To allow such emotions into our relationships with our children is perhaps to dance with the danger that we will then become the depressed mother or angry father or envious sister that we swore we would never be.

And being aware of such patterns is crucial for us to break intergenerational patterns of traumatised parenting and family relationships. However, the problem is that the more we avoid and suppress these emotions, the less permission we give our children to express these very normal feelings. And by turn we unwittingly condemn them to a reduced range of emotional expression. Limit them to less vitality and potentially to fearfulness about such emotions in relationships.

And such rules about emotions are not only bound by family scripts, but also cultural and societal norms, gender and communal ideas.

But of course one of the greatest challenges of parenting is to contain such powerful emotions for our children.

But how are we to do this if we struggle with these emotions ourselves? If we can't even recognise or name them? If we've never been "allowed" to have these emotions as children?

So what emotions do you or your partner struggle with? Are you aware of any emotional 'blindspots' since becoming a parent? Or have you deliberately moved against your emotional family legacy and encouraged your children to express anger/sadness/jealousy?

As always I'd love to hear from you....

Image @once_upon_an_upset

#containment #emotions #familyscripts #modellingemotions #projections #intergenerationaltrauma #blindspot #familytrauma #breakingthecycle #container

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 7

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Why are you so passionate about supporting people considering donor conception?

I'm a perinatal psychologist, couples therapist and parent-infant therapist. Supporting families is my passion. And families that have had to take a less travelled path to find each other often need more support. But the support isn't often tailored or attuned enough. And that's where I decided many years ago I want to be offering support.

But it's also about taboo busting. Reproductive equality. Giving families the potential to have a child without a life limiting disease. Allowing individuals create a family. Having a child after cancer or reproductive injury. Becoming parents via donor conception is much more complex than most people realise.

And parents often face social stigma or a lack of understanding about their decisions. And they have often experienced loss and trauma along the way to becoming parents. The loss of the dream they have had since childhood about being a parent and what that would look like for them.

And as we know supporting these families-to-be across the transition to parenthood - even from contemplating donor conception - means better outcomes for them and their children.

As Professor Sue Golombok, who researches DC families underlines "Its not about genetic origins, but about the quality of family relationships."

And one of the most important qualities of a parent-child relationship is honesty. This is why this year will be so vital for Donor Conceived people. To be able to get more information on their conception. And on their donor. Some may decide they don't need it. Or want it. Some will already have the information they need.

But it is also an important year for parents too, and for those working with parents now trying to conceive, pregnant or already parenting children conceived in this way. I know for some of you this year might feel triggering or heavy. But I also know that you want to get things right for your beloved children. And more honesty and transparency must surely be the way ahead.

And you know if you need support, we at Parenthood In Mind are here to help.

#donorconception #donor #samesexparents #soloparents

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 6

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So much of what we find difficult about parenting is the moment to moment relentlessness of it.

There is rarely a chance to stand back and see yourself and the positive impact you're having whilst you're in it.

And whilst we're in it, it's so hard to hold onto what is going well. How we're doing OK.

Fragments of Life

From task to task
Ask to ask
We cannot see
Our power for good or ill.

We cling so tightly to
The best last sleep
Or next feed
We are simply
Too close up to our children
To see them grow
And bloom.

Like a flower too closely watched
Or a jigsaw puzzle
Whose patterns we only discern
As we near finding the final pieces
We can never fully know
What difference we have truly made.

And if we are honest
We have to tolerate
Not just the not knowing
But also the possibility
That we make very little difference
At all.

Like all growing things
With the right soil
And enough watering
Our children turn out
Just as they should.

Not quite a facsimile
Most certainly not a clone
Fragments of life
That only make sense
As we step away from them.

Julianne Boutaleb
November 2020

A warm hug to everyone feeling the struggle today. Fearful they're not getting it right.

If you feel you could do with more support, we at Parenthood In Mind are here to help.

#parents #parenting #goodenoughparenting #uncertainty #whatgoodareparents #toleratingdifference #moderndayparenting #goodenoughmother #goodenoughfather #transitiontoparenthood #becomingparents #transitiontomotherhood #notjustamother #goodenough #vulnerability #parentalanxiety #existential #parentingishard

parenthoodinmind

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Jan 4

Open

It really is OK to take this lying down
I know you had such high hopes for this round
You'd tweaked some things
Completely changed others
Step by step
Hope built upon hope
That this round would be different
Your body was ready
So was your mind
You'd done everything right
Why isn't it your time?

The phone pings over and over
What to say
To convey
How lost
How unravelled you feel
But for now you must
Hold onto you
And allow yourself
Sink into the love
That surrounds you
But I hope you know
That it's ok
To hope again
For things to change
Even if doesn't feel that way
Today.

I know the devastation of a failed cycle. Of miscarriage. I know how hard it is to think about another round of fertility treatment when you're on your knees emotionally. I know that today maybe isn't that day for you. I know how heavy it is to have to decide. But I also know that things can change and look different too. With the right help. With love. With time. So take the help. The love. The time.

If you or anyone you know is struggling to conceive we at Parenthood In Mind are here to help.

#failedivf #fertilitytrauma #fertilityissues #earlymiscarriage #infertility #ttc #ttcjourney #strugglingtoconceive #ivfpregnancy #fertilitygrief #fertilitydiagnosis #infertilitysucks #icsi #donorconception #deivf #fertilityloss #fertilitygrief #fertilitysupport

parenthoodinmind

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Dec 17

Open

Just popping up here to say Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all who celebrate.

It's been a funny old year, you know?
One where I've been living in the threshold. Actually, it's more accurate to say surviving.
And being in transition has reminded me,
Indeed forced me to remember
How it is that any of us
Survive when we are living
In the gap
In the In Between
Of being and becoming.
It's reminded me of my fertility struggles
Of the early days of mothering
Of how raw the process is
How emotionally threshed we can feel at times
How apart
And other
Despite having people who love us around us
How powerless and childlike we can feel
How much we need a hand to hold
When we are on the thresh-hold between the life we want
And the losses and hurts that come with moving away from the life that came before.
How small our lives can be
How thin skinned we are
How much energy it takes to mask
To look normal
When inside we are falling apart
Falling forever.

So if this is you today
Not sure how you'll get through this festive period because of another failed cycle or yet another lost pregnancy
Attempting to tell loved ones you're fine when you're really not enjoying being pregnant
Totally undone by birthing your baby
Trying to look OK as you put your longed for baby on your bruised breast
I see you
I know you
I have been you
Many times over.

Please don't do this alone. Risk telling someone that you're not OK. Let them hold you. In the threshold.

Much love to you.

The Parenthood In Mind practice is now closed to referrals until Wednesday 4th January 2023.

#fertilitytrauma #fertilitygrief #ppd #transition #loss #birthtrauma #pnd #antenatalmentalhealth #antenataldepression #recurrentmiscarriages #breastfeeding #perinatalmentalhealth #goodenoughmothering #presentnotperfect #reallife

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 30

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I talk a lot about the importance of stories and narratives in my work as a perinatal psychologist.

The reproductive story
The story of how you became a parent
The importance of subverting cultural narratives on motherhood and how we become mothers
How vital 'other/ed' stories of parenthood are
The positive impact on us when we can read stories that go off grid about

Donor conception
Surrogacy
Solo parenthood by choice
Reciprocal IVF
Adoption
Parenthood after infertility
Becoming a parent after loss
Same sex parenting
Mental health issues as we become parents

And for many of us who become parents after great difficulty, it is important that we share parts of the story to help our children understand their origins

But these stories also hold shadows of

Our losses
Our shame
Our infertility
Our trauma
Our vulnerability

So we must find our way through to our own story before we try to share it with our children
Our fear of emotions bubbling up as we tell
Of what the impact of our struggles might be on our children
But we must remember that the story has never been fully ours
But one that we must eventually share with our children
So they can more fully understand who they are.

Much love and support to anyone who today is still struggling with their story of parenting
Wondering if they'll ever find a way through
I see you.

Please take a look at all tagged resources.

#samesexparents #surrogacy #adoption #recipientparent #reciprocalivf #nicuparents #TFMR #fertilitytrauma #fertilityissues #pregnancyloss #stillbirth #babyloss #tryingtoconceive #secondaryinfertility #miscarriage #ectopicpregnancy #reproductivetrauma #failedivfcycles #birthinjury #perinatalmentalhealth

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 17

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Parenting after NICU
A post for #worldprematurityday

I've seen many preemie babies and their parents struggle to find each other amidst the fog of trauma that marks the first few days, weeks and months of their relationship.

Because so much often stands in the way of a premature baby and her parent relating to each other.

The sudden and abrupt start to their relationship may mean physical separation from each other, no chance of skin-to -skin and screens and machines in the way of the cuddles and kisses they would ordinarily share.

NICU babies may be very ill and may need to be nursed and held not just by their parents, but by others specially trained in keeping them alive.

How might this get in the way of mum or dad bonding with their little ones? How might these realities impact a parent's sense of competence? Or identity?

For many parents forming an attachment relationship with their baby is made even more difficult by the life-and-death struggles they face in the months after their baby is born.

How does a parent allow themselves feel close to a baby or babies they may imminently or potentially lose? And this often in the face of previous losses and infertility too?

And even if these parents are lucky enough to leave the hospital with their precious babies how do they stop themselves falling apart or becoming paralysed with fear every time their baby's breath becomes laboured or they get a temperature?

How do the parents of a premature baby ever fully leave the beeping lights and hushed monitors behind? Or not feel their hearts quicken when a stranger asks "How old is she? 'She looks so small for her age" Or stop worrying if their little one misses a milestone?

For these are the shadows of parenting a premature baby. And it is testimony to the fearless courage of these parents that the majority of these plucky, impatient little babies grow and thrive and astound us all.

If you need help with your relationship with your baby following a stay in NICU please contact us at the Parenthood In Mind practice. We can help.

Image @slow.mom

#pregnancy #preemie #prematurebaby #neonatal #NICU #nicubaby #borntoosoon #multiplepregnancy #prem

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 14

Open

Ghosts

We're expected to effortlessly parent our children whatever age they are
And know instinctually what they need from us
To move seamlessly from one developmental stage to the next
Without abruption or loss.
We expect once we've established a relational rhythm with our children
We stay static and secure
In our chosen strategies
The truth is some ages and stages may be more difficult than others
Depending on our child's temperament
And ours
And our histories, joint or otherwise
The truth is each child makes of us
Another parent
Bends us gently again to meet their needs
Births us anew.

For some of us the close embrace of infancy
And the heady power of our arms and breasts to soothe and succour
Is what makes mothers of us
For others the glee of hearing their child's first words
Ignites a parental pride never dimmed
Yet others watch their child confidentally stagger their first steps between sofa and stool
A welcome transition from too much merging

What we least talk about is how
Everyday endings and beginnings
Leave us unsteady in their wake
Leave us mourning the child
And parent we once were

Weaning
Choosing a nursery
Their 1st day at school
The lost invite to the class party
Their struggle making friends
Or with learning
Their determined push towards independence
Can pull us back into
Our own long forgotten experiences
And at times we may need help to discern
Between their struggle and ours
Between our feelings and theirs
We may need help to adult and regulate
And someone to hold onto
Or else get pulled into the unconscious undertow of our child's experiences now
The ghosts of our childhood then.

Have you experienced this? Found the transition from one developmental stage of childhood to another disorientating? Upsetting even? Do you miss certain stages?
What age and stage of parenting did you find easiest? Most difficult? Did these experiences dredge up your own childhood?

Image @pascalcampionart

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

#ghostsinthenursery #thepresentpast #transitiontoparenthood #trauma #perinataltrauma #beingaparent #parenting #parentinfantrelationship #attachment #childhoodtrauma

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 10

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#Repost @definingmum with @let.repost Sharing my gorgeous friend's take on this...
• • • • • •
I’ve said this before - every time someone with a voice and a platform shares their story of fertility struggles, thousands of others feel seen, validated and less alone.

I felt so much empathy when reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview about her hidden fertility journey whilst in the spotlight. It’s unimaginable to think about how difficult it must have been going through the challenges of failed IVF, all whilst being asked questions with constant speculation about her ability and desire to pro-create. Seeing insensitive headlines speculating about ‘baby bumps’ when grieving failed IVF cycles would no doubt be incredibly triggering and traumatic, highlighting and amplifying how there can be so many hurtful misconceptions and incorrect assumptions made within society.

Jen’s story is particularly significant and impactful because it also shows the reality that not every story ends with a baby. That IVF gives a chance of a baby, with no guarantees, no matter who you are. We’re used to narratives from celebrities who talk about fertility struggles with a baby and a ‘happy ending’, but what Jen is doing is showing that it’s possible to still have a ‘happy ending’ and be content with a different future than that was imagined - shining a light on the incredible women who are childless not by choice, often dealing with many of the same misconceptions that Jen has.

My hope is that reading Jen’s words will make others realise that it’s NEVER a good idea to make assumptions or ask someone “when are you having children?”, you never truly know what’s going on behind closed doors.

I’ve always loved Jennifer Aniston and think I love her that little bit more now!
Has this resonated with you?

#ttccommunity #ivf #ivfcommunity #infertility #fertility #fertilitytreatment #ivfsupport #childlessnotbychoice #infertilitysupport #ttc #youarenotalone

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 7

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Just like mothers, fathers too have to find their way with the new tasks of parenthood, but often without clear role models or expertly tailored support services just for them....and often as one father put it in a recent study by Wittkowski et al (2017) "not overly sure what you're supposed to be doing...."

We need to understand more about men's psychological vulnerability in the transition to parenthood. We know that men do undergo hormonal and brain changes just like women do - recent research suggests fathers to be who co-habit with their partner experience a drop in levels of testosterone and peak levels of oxytocin.

We also know that the very support structures set up to support couples in the transition to parenthood may not actually be experienced as helpful by men. Indeed in the study above, Wittkowski found that attending antenatal classes left many men feeling more emotionally separate from their partners and increased their feelings of helplessness.
And how do new fathers express these feelings of "completely-at-a-lossness" as Dickon Bevington, a psychiatrist specialising in paternal mental health calls it? Increased irritability, emotional withdrawal, exhaustion, panic or acting out via over work, alcohol use or emotional affairs and unfortunately increased suicidality.

Is it completely coincidental that suicide is the leading cause of death in men aged 15-44 when they are most likely to be starting families? Fathers may also transition from pregnancy and birth traumatised (Etheridge & Slade, 2017) or depressed, and struggle to bond with their baby.
Overlooked, dismissed, misunderstood.
Are we speaking out enough about the need to hold the father in families? who holds him? If we agree we should all be mothering the mother, who should be fathering the father? Or should we indeed be mothering him? Where is his tribe? What can we do differently for dads?

Beautiful images @pascalcampionart

#dadsmatter #howareyoudad #paternalmentalhealth #fathers #familiesneeddads #patresence #transitiontofatherhood #fathering #paternalanxiety #paternaldepression

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 5

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My baby's face

Winnicott famously said the mother's face is the precursor of the mirror
That it is the first place a baby sees itself in the world
Whether he delights his mother
Or frustrates his father
Or doesn't have any impact on them at all.
But we too look to our baby's face
And search for similarities
For recognition
And kinship
And hope for a sense that our baby sees and knows us.
But sometimes this process of searching each other out may be more complex
When we don't share a genetic link with our child
When our child is premature or poorly
Or has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness
Or when we have been separated after birth.
It can be very hard to hold our baby's face lovingly in our minds
When they are not the fantasy child we have wished for
When they are not the boy or girl of our childhood dreams
Or when there are "ghosts in the nursery" as Fraiberg calls them
And our child reminds us of someone who has hurt or traumatised us.
A child born after loss
Or after infertility
Or with a disability
May also put our expectations of love and connectedness to the test
Parental love is much more complicated than we ever let on
And sometimes needs more time
More patience
More support to grow
And bloom.

So many parents I see for therapy struggle for different reasons to establish a loving connection with their babies. They often feel ashamed or that they're not maternal/paternal/parental enough. They often genuinely believe that a good parent would fall in love instantly. The reality is that for some of us the love comes more slowly. And the truth for all of us is that parental love ebbs and flows across our lifetime with our children.

Can you relate? Did you struggle to accept or love your baby because of any of the reasons above? What helped you?

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

#parenting #goodenoughparenting #parentallove #maternallove #disability #ghostsinthenursery #parentingaftertrauma #parentingafterloss #parentingafterivf #generativeidentity #geneticloss #nicu #prematurebaby #parentchildattachment #genderpreference #parentchildrelationship #donorconception #fertilityjourney #dadsmatter

parenthoodinmind

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Nov 3

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#Fighting4Fertility #nationalfertilityawarenessweek2022

And many of us who have needed assistance to conceive
To have our dream families
Will know the truth of the fight

For many of us the story of how we become parents
Is all about the fight
The fight to realise our dreams

The fight to have our symptoms seen as important
The fight to have a diagnosis and not be dismissed
The fight for a specialist referral for us or our partner if partnered
The fight for funding
The fight for support and understanding in our workplaces
The internal fight we have to face when contemplating fertility treatment
The fight with partners or friends or family who don't understand our particular path to parenthood
The fight to be seen as a legitimate parent
The fight for fairness and equity if our path to parenthood doesn't fit the usual heterosexual, couples model
The fight for access to fertility treatment if we are Brown or Black or from another minority ethnic background
The fight for NHS funding if we are dealing with secondary infertility

The fight is real...
We are all fighters
No matter how we become parents
Whether we become parents or not
We fight with every fibre of our being to birth the children of our dreams

Let's keep fighting so that those still dreaming can realise their dreams too....

#malefertilityfactor
#fertilitymattersatwork #lgbtfamily #fertilitytrauma #fertilitygrief #soloparenting #donorconception #ivf #fighters #reproductivejourney #smbc #adoption #queerparents #fighting4fertility #miscarriage #TTC #ttcwarrior #tryingtoconceive #ttccouples #icsi

parenthoodinmind

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Oct 27

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"You have HOW MANY children?"
"So only the one then?"
"Aren't you going to have anymore?"
"Wouldn't you like a girl/boy then?"

I sit with individuals and couples sadly struggling with the emotional impact of those questions. Reeling from the emotional heft of having to guard their hearts from thoughtless scrutiny. Wanting to answer, but terrified their first few stumbling words will betray the grief they really feel.

Joan Raphael Leff, a perinatal psychotherapist coined the term 'generative identity' to name the set of unconscious desires and assumptions that we carry in our minds around being a parent and what our families will look like. And what is fascinating is how detailed they are.
Often when a couple sits with me after a miscarriage, or a failed IVF attempt, or after a traumatic birth or when they struggle with a diagnosis of secondary infertility I often hear the same phrase.

But this wasn't how it was supposed to be......

And I will then gently ask them how it was supposed to be.
And they will invite me into beautifully drawn images they hold in their minds
Of a daughter playing the piano alongside them just like they did with their mum
Of a son having the sibling to play with that they never had
Of their child wearing the football kit of their favourite team
Of a family of one's own.

And I am also fascinated by how an individual or couple moves towards actualising their shared dream of family. The barriers and obstacles they're prepared to struggle against.
But I also witness the difficulty when the dream can no longer be shared or actualised, and when we have to make peace with the family we have or don't have.
For the truth is that the shape and size of our families is not totally something within our control. And the parent we become. And the children we will parent. Isn't in our control either.

You may never know the story of a family, the losses and acceptances they have endured. The griefs and hurts that you may accidentally touch off or re-trigger.

Has this issue impacted you? Are you struggling with parenting "only one" when you imagined yourself parenting more?

#onlytheone #oneanddone #oneandonly #generativeidentity

parenthoodinmind

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Oct 24

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Absolutely love this caption from @hopeagaincollective

#pregnancytrauma #pregnantafterivf #parentingafterloss #parentingafterivf #parentingafterinfertility #parentingishard #miscarriage #parentingafterpregnancyloss #penumbrababy #childbornafterloss #reproductiveloss #reproductivetrauma #parentingaftermultiplelosses #finallyparents #finallyparents #findingyourwaywithyourbaby #finallypregnant

parenthoodinmind

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Oct 20

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Touched Out

Are we ever really prepared for the libidinal physicality of our babies?
Can we ever be truly ready for the ways they need our bodies?
In utero
Ex utero
Can you remember the first time you held them skin to skin?
Or heard them snuffling in sleep?
Can you recall the shock of their mouth on your nipple?
The scream that shook you awake
The weight of them around your neck
The rising irritation of rhythmically pulled hair
The literal push and pull of meeting their needs.
Babies and children push us to our physical limits
Forcing us to bend and flex
Sometimes to breaking point.
Rarely do they adopt the compliant pose
Of the babe-in-arms nursed by the Madonna.
Such iconic imagery does not prepare us for the relentless, rebellious reality of our children.
Their demands pushing us over the brink of what our autonomic nervous systems usually allow.
How do we hold onto our needs
Our Selves
Our bodies
When so overwhelmed
With love?

Julianne Boutaleb June 2021

What have you experienced of being touched out as a Mother? What aspects of your children's physicality have you found healing or challenging? How has this impacted your relationship with your partner (if partnered), with yourself and your baby?

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

Image @spiritysol

#visceral #physicality #mothers #motherhood #mothering #bodies #matresence #maternalvoices #maternalart #maternalbreast #loveandloss #overwhelm #bonding #boundaries #therageofunmetneeds #maternalsubjectivity #thematernalself

parenthoodinmind

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Oct 19

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So often I hear parents worry that their particular journey to parenthood, and all that they have come through will negatively impact their children. Or their relationship with their children.

They fear....

That their losses will make them over protective.
That their pain will make them too sensitive.
That the length of their journey to parenthood will leave them depleted.
That their experiences will leave them depressed or anxious.
That parenthood just won't live up to their expectations.
That they just won't be the parents they thought they would be.
That their unique journey to parenthood will be 'othered' or judged.
That their sense of 'failing' to conceive or stay pregnant will continue to show up when they attempt to birth or feed or parent their babies.
That coming to their children via donor conception or surrogacy or adoption will make it more difficult to feel like a 'real' parent.
That the longed for child carried in their minds for so many years just won't be the same as the child they finally hold in their arms.

We can wish that things could have been different, but we cannot erase or hide the journey. It becomes part of who we are. It becomes part of how we parent.

We have to honour what we have been through, so we can eventually hold it more lightly.

So we can hold the light, as well as the shadow.

And research shows that if we can integrate these experiences, parenting after infertility and loss (Allan et al, 2019) can be hugely positive too.

As parents we are

More engaged
More committed
If we are partnered our partners are more involved
More patient
More easily able to access a variety of support

What do you think? How has your journey to parenthood impacted you?

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

#donorconception #reproductivejourney #fertilityissues #fertilitytrauma #ttccommunity #surrogacy #transitiontoparenthood #ectopicpregnancy #reproductiveloss #lgbtparenting #solomum #deivfjourney #solodads #adoption #embryodonation #ivfjourney #icsi #adoptiveparents #samesexparents #gaydads #infertilitytrauma #stillbirth #pregnantafterloss #tryingtoconceive #parentinfantrelationship #parentingafterivf

parenthoodinmind

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Oct 17

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#nationaladoptionweek2022

Adoptive parents and children often come to each other via experiences of infertility, multiple loss and trauma.
Much about their journey is unique and unfortunately misunderstood. One never 'just' adopts as expected to by those who witness their struggle to become parents. The adoptive journey is often a protracted one, punctuated by long periods of waiting. Of having to prove oneself to panels and (understandably) others already involved in the child's life. Adoptive parents have to make 'heart room' as Naomi Stadlen puts it for a constellation of relationships from birth parents, siblings, foster carers to health professionals. And they do this with the understanding that this is in their child's best interests. But this not always an easy ask. Some of the issues adoptive parents may struggle with include:

*Supporting their child with developmental or relational trauma
*Managing multiple, complex processes eg adoption panels, Social Services, legal frameworks
*Lack of an external 'holding environment' consisting of other adoptive parents
*Need for tailored, specialist support at specific times in the adoption process
* Loss of the imagined baby and themselves as the Imagined Parent
* Navigating a unique journey to parenthood eg buying things for a child when not pregnant or parenting alone
*Particular experiences of adoptive parents may also include unresolved grief, guilt about not being able to have saved their child from earlier trauma, loss of the baby stages and of the experiences of being pregnant and giving birth, the desire to be a perfect parent for their child, struggling with containing their child's emotional disregulation, being seen as or feeling they are the 'real' parent

If you are contemplating adoption or are an adoptive parent struggling with aspects of your journey to parenthood, we at Parenthood In Mind can help.

I've also tagged some amazing accounts for support whatever stage you're at. Whoever you are.

#adoption #samesexparents #adoptiveparents #fostering #adoptionjourney #soloparents #disenfranchisedgrief #disenfranchisedloss #trauma #developmentaltrauma #gaydads #reconceivethedream

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Mother of 1yr old baby

I went to Emily towards the end of my pregnancy, I was upset and anxious about becoming a mother. She was incredibly supportive and helpful in building up my confidence and getting to see things differently.

My baby and I went to see her for the last time a few weeks after the birth and I felt completely different to what I’d feared. I felt very loving and bonded to my son and I think things could have turned out very differently had I not worked with Emily prior to his arrival.

TESTIMONIALS

Mother expecting second baby

I saw Helena a year after a traumatic birth I had experienced with my first child. Helena helped me to overcome the distress I was feeling because of it. Naturally when I became pregnant again I contacted Helena to gain some support in the final months. Again, Helena was able to give me the support I needed and to not be so daunted about the second birth and the aftermath. She helped me to put it in perspective and to gain the confidence needed to make the experience more one that I was in control of. After the baby was born, I texted Helena to tell her how well it went and that the experience was as I had wished.

TESTIMONIALS

Mother of 2yo with reflux and feeding difficulties, following traumatic birth

I came to Avital about my daughter’s feeding difficulties. During the assessment, I felt able to speak for the first time about the birth of my child and the trauma I experienced. Avital’s approach was gentle and thoughtful and allowed me to think differently about my daughter’s feeding and the impact of my experiences on how I manage my own anxiety and the possible impact on my daughter.

TESTIMONIALS

Mother with postnatal anxiety

Over the past year Avi has helped me so much to manage my anxiety even a time when it has felt insurmountable. Most importantly, I feel understood and increasingly confident in expressing myself, knowing our dialogue will doubtless clarify my thoughts and feelings. There is a lack of pressure in our sessions which feel like a reassuringly safe place. My growing clarity of thought and reflection is thanks to our sessions and has helped me to carry on with my day to day life and the challenge it holds.

TESTIMONIALS

Mother of 2

I’m not sure where I would’ve been without the help and support of Julianne this year. Not only did she enable my recovery from previous birth trauma, but she empowered me to take control of the birth of my second son to the greatest extent possible and ultimately achieve the HBAC I longed for. Not only that, but working with Julianne has prompted reflection in so many other areas of my life that I feel I am now more equipped for motherhood overall. I am truly grateful for all the support and help she has given us.

TESTIMONIALS

First time parents seen as a couple with their baby

I was completely unconfident and scared that I wouldn’t be able to be a good mother and about how I would manage daily life the baby. My relationship with her wasn’t that strong. I wasn’t attached to her – you hear people say how they love their babies and it just wasn’t like that. And now I feel connected, I feel the bond between me and her. I’m more relaxed and confident and I know she loves me. It’s also improved our relationship as a couple. Fa: It wasn’t easy being a father for the first time, I didn’t have experience and I got a bit lost with her and worried if I was doing things right or wrong. Plus, there were difficulties in my situation – I was depressed and I couldn’t work. Before I was stressed so much. Ow its better than before. So much is changing and our conversations help me to calm down.

TESTIMONIALS

Couple with 2 children aged 3 and 5

We cannot thanks Julianne enough for helping us through a difficult time in our marriage. We came to her feeling vulnerable and broken. Julianne put us both at ease and gave us a safe place to talk and to share our perspectives on the challenges that we faced, Julianne is empathetic and warm and she was able to make us both feel equally heard and supported. She gave us skills to communicate effectively and to break negative patterns and behaviours. We became a team and with her help we were able to put in place tools to help us going forwards so that we became less reliant on her and stronger as a unit. We cannot recommend her highly enough.

TESTIMONIALS

Male therapy client

Since seeing Ruth, this has helped turn my life around. Every time I now feel anxious and panicky I think about the tools she has given me and I feel more confident about getting through it. I also now have a clearer understanding of how I have been adding to my anxiety and depression. Her help is deeply appreciated.

TESTIMONIALS

Mother of twins

Sara Rance has been wonderful and has changed our lives for the better. Her support has been invaluable. I feel much more confident as a mother and as a person. As a family, we are much happier and my understanding of my twins and my relationship with each of them has improved.

TESTIMONIALS